It’s day 10. That means 10 days of really making an effort to improve. 10 days of trying to push away excuses. 10 days of saying no when I want to say yes, and yes when I want to say no…
Today I practiced an act of vulnerability with someone close to me. I thought it would make things harder, push me back over the edge, but it didn’t. While the conversation made me sad, I allowed myself to say exactly how I felt for once. Instead of wanting to eat a gallon of ice cream like I thought I would, I actually felt better.
I’ve long known the importance of vulnerability in relationships and life, but rarely have I been brave enough to embrace it. If today’s conversation taught me anything, it is that I will be hurt more by living my life in a suit of armor than I will by being vulnerable. In this metaphor bulimia has been my shield, protecting me from feelings I didn’t want to feel, thoughts I didn’t want to think, and words I didn’t want to speak.
I say that I “practiced” an act of vulnerability today because I believe that’s what it honestly takes – practice. I hope that by laying my sword and shield to rest and habitually removing my armor, not only can I defeat bulimia, but I can also lead a happier and more fulfilling life.
If I make it through tomorrow without engaging in ED behaviors, I will have made it a whole week without giving completely in to binging and purging. While it may sound like a short run, this will be my longest time going unaccompanied by bulimia in a very long time. That possibility both excites and terrifies me. 10 days on the road to recovery and possibly 7 days of success. While I still feel like I am drowning under the weight of this pressure to get better, one week feels like a break in the surface. One long gasp of air before being pushed back below the inky abyss to battle my way through a second week.
However, like the quote above, today I am hungry for more than food, today I am hungry for success, passion, love, and so much more.
I can do this.